Night thoughts

1:49 AM

Hmm I know I haven't been pretty active here once again but now that I'm officially done with Year 3, and I'm more or less recovered from a bad cough + loss of voice (I've been hibernating like crazy due to the medicine!) I decided maybe it's about time to jot some thoughts here...

So this entire academic year has been a true roller coaster ride. Well, initially I was so ready to graduate then came the lowering of honours requirement and there, my choice to fight to stay for one more year. So well, I'm not really graduating yet, hopefully. But I guess what took a toll on me wasn't academics, but my life in general.

I've spent days, weeks and months trying to find myself. Trying to find a reason to really love myself. It never daunt upon me something so simple could be so hard to achieve until I realize it was impossible for me to love anyone else unless I learn to love myself. Time and again, there were so many chances given when I didn't have to. At the end of the day, all the nightmares that occurred eats me from deep inside. And I'm really tired of giving, giving so much till I have nothing left to give, yet so much to lose. I really wish I could just drop everything at hand, learn to let go and let live. I don't even need anyone to understand, because it's hard to find someone who can truly understand what I went through. How every time the memories flashes back, it leaves me in fear. And everything that has happened within the past academic year just made me feel that maybe I really do not deserve anything at all.

And it's just so sad, because it's kinda like I can get all I want but nothing that I really need.
But it's even sadder that how you thought something that was meant to make you stronger and build you up, could destroy you so thoroughly.

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