Graduation and Growing Up

3:36 AM

Haven't penned down something "organic" enough for a long while in this space... Well, dayre has taken over all of my random thoughts/rants/musings but it's just a night tonight where I have this urge to pen something down here!

In the blink of an eye (or maybe not), we're midway into the year, and I've graduated(!!!) The final semester was truly a draining and exhausting one and it took me close to 2 months after being done with school to fully "recuperate" enough to take on "life", again. I know right, I sound like some old nanny in need of some serious conditioning for the body LOL But I guess, that's the price of trying to have the best of ALL worlds and hall life consuming me all up.

The feeling of having completed almost 20 years of education feels, surreal and definitely relieving at the same time. I remember feeling so inadequate about myself towards the final few semesters that I really just, half gave up lol. And then feeling all jittery on the night before the final set of results were released because deep inside me I was freaking out like what if I fail some module by some really bad luck. LOL yet another price to pay for... not putting in my best, not putting in enough. But thankfully, they're all over! My priorities since university started definitely shifted a huge bit, I didn't want to give myself too much stress and I wanted to see and explore the world. And felt that soft skills were so much more important than.. you know, grades. Found myself questioning myself so many times over my own choice because sometimes even I, myself, can't reason and comprehend to why. Why did I choose to do this? Did I really not care enough about my studies? 

To be frank, uni life was filled with a lot of "I don't knows"-- not knowing what you want to REALLY do in the future, not knowing who you'll be in the future, not knowing what you'll BE in the future. And the future has arrived. And suddenly nothing kinda seem to matter anymore, any past choices, decisions and lots of self doubts. It's over and now I'm moving on without having to be binded by paper alphabets. By letter prints that surround the topic of seemingly awkward conversation starters, by trying your best to look interested enough in a class you have completely no idea what's going on. But more importantly, this future has arrived and it's important and relieving to know that at least I know what I want to do, and where I want to see myself in a few years time. 

I think over the 4 years in uni as I stopped blogging a lot more of my personal feelings (before dayre helped to kickstart that habit again), my life lost quite a bit of organization in it. My thoughts, feelings, emotions were all over the place at times because there was nowhere for me to "consolidate" them. This space is so important to me but yet there was also a fear that stopped my from sharing more about myself initially. I wasn't sure if I was ready to let myself be this vulnerable on social media by putting all my life details for people to see. After all, these 4 years of growing up has so much shit and toxic people in it (although I gained some really precious ones) hmm so, as much as I wished I had blogged more, I was glad I didn't as well? I don't know. 

Oh yes, I don't know again hahaha. 

But I have to say, uni was really one of the best times in my life because I found a purpose for myself in life, at least in the near future. And I think that's important. 

Alright, end of a really random and abrupt, disorganized, word vomit thought post. It felt good to just be typing out whatever's at the top of my head once in awhile, even if they all don't make much sense nor sound coherent enough. 

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